90s Church Lady Dress

You know the dress I am talking about--sometimes it is two pieces, sometimes one, always made of cotton/rayon and never without a strange animal/flower/doily detail. I believe it to be the traditional dress of school teachers or mothers with four or more children. Rarely spotted since Koala Blue closed its doors, this garment makes occasional appearances on laundry day and when Oprah interviews women in extremist religious cult camps. But today, I saw it, just around the bend from the copy machine.

Unfortunately, taking pictures at my internship would be completely inappropriate, so it must suffice to find a similar photo online.

I know these dresses were popular in the late eighties/early nineties ala. Elaine from Seinfeld and the Designing Women; heck, I even think there is a Christmas photo of my sisters and I wearing similar dresses from 1990. In our defense we were all under the age of 12 and styled by a mother with gigantic purple plastic framed glasses( I love you mom!). What defense does a 40-50 year old woman in 2009 have? Like the tapered pant suit, I ask "Why?" There are so many reasons this clothing is wrong and not a single reason why it is right.

Please, if you spot this dress, burn on contact!

Football Foul

I spotted this fashion disaster while attending my first football game, specifically the tailgate portion of the event. I should have guessed from the evil stares I received while sporting my vintage Michigan sweatshirt and slouchy knit beret that I wasn't in the Pearl District anymore. My attempt at "Suraya Does Football" failed miserably in the eyes of these Oregon fans. They just don't know fabulousness when its staring them in the face.

Regardless, the severity of my punishment should not include being subjected to this:

Law: Bandannas should be banned.

What is the purpose of a bandanna? The only use I find for them is tying it around my dog's neck to make him more festive or colorful. Or maybe marking your path in a forest by wrapping it around a tree branch so the prince can save you from being kidnapped by the angry troll.

Upon googling "bandanna", one of the first images that appeared was Eminem with the classic white with black version tied around his head. I damn him for perpetuating the myth that tying a bandanna around the head is an acceptable fashion choice.

This man was obviously wearing the bandanna in support of his team. There are many ways to pledge one's allegiance to a team; a scarf, sweatshirt, rain boots (which I thought were so cute with the U of O "O" pattern!) and knit caps all convey the message of school spirit while providing protection against the elements. I understand the bandanna's useful function for gardening, sweating, rounding up cattle and the like. The event lent itself to knit caps, but this rag served no purpose other than to promote. It wasn't keeping his head warm and the sun was not streaming at dangerous sunburning levels.

With the above said, my disdain for this man's fashion could be attributed to his belligerent outbursts and subsequent weeping behind a nearby tree that made fellow tailgaters immensely uncomfortable. When I dislike someone, my loathe of them often manifests itself as a critique of their fashion. The inverse is true as well; if you are a friend of mine, your fashion is just fine.

So fear not Portland, if you give me no reason to loathe you, wearing a potato sack would not deter me from grabbing a beer with you.

Sue this suit!

Having worked in and around Portland for almost 5 years, in and around a profession where suits are often mandatory, the following fashion mishap is unnervingly common in 2009, the year of the ox.  I don't know if these suits were housed in closets since the early nineties or are scarily purchased new, but the designer producing these garments needs a stern talking to.

Law: Tapered pantsuits suit no one

The essence of the tapered pantsuit is captured in the ratio of extra fabric in the thigh to the lack thereof around the ankle.  Though they give a wearer mobility and comfort, their proportions make the smallest hips appear child-bearing ready. 

These abominations of female fashion charge at me every day of the week.  I duck left; I dodge right and I still can't avoid them.  The hallways at my internship are narrow (just like the bottom of the pants) and I can hardly escape before they swoosh past me, thigh area flapping in the wind while the hem stays precariously still, attaching like velcro to the grains of a suede ankle boot.  They are usually accompanied by an overly long blazer that women believe hides their hips, but they are sadly mistaken.  

Maybe the woman's laugh that I mistake for a cry three cubicles down really is crying--weeping at the forgone fashion opportunities a bootcut, wideleg, or even straight leg pant could bring.  

Defense lawyers seem to be the biggest perpetrators.  Perhaps if they spent less time defending their looks and more time defending their clients I wouldn't be so successful at keeping defendants in jail till their court date.

Women of Portland's workplaces; I love that the suit from 1995 still fits, but honor that body by stepping into pants that don't conjure up visions of "Hammer Time."

Getting Knee-High

I must preface this blog with the circumstances of this sighting: Saturday night at the Beaverton Michael's craft store is not the usual watering hole of Portland's fashion elite, but there is a minimum standard of decency I come to expect when shopping for pipe cleaners and paper mache figurines. This man was wandering through the art framing section, probably finding the supplies to immortalize a photograph of himself in this, his sexiest of outfits:



Was there a craft emergency that prevented this man from changing his clothes post-sports participation? Aside from the socks, grown men need to eliminate after-activity odor before parading around in public, as achieved by a wardrobe substitution.


Law: You would have to be high to wear knee-high socks

Knowing Portland, that state of mind is not beyond the realm of possibilities for most knee-high sock wearing folk. But for the people who consciously grab that foot long sock out of their drawer, yank it up to the knee or beyond, exposing the thigh for us all to see (especially man thigh--yuck!), this wake up call is for you. Beyond the age of 10, once you leave the soccer field, football field or any field and enter any establishment other than your private home, carry a change of shoes. You don't wear your cleats off of the field, why leave the socks?

The jury is still out regarding ankle socks for women as a fashion choice. There is a forceful return of the exposed-sock-with-skirt-look on the runway and though I would never be caught dead in argyle socks with Mary Janes, I appreciate how others can rock the look. If I had to make an educated guess on the jury's decision, it would be not guilty with conditions. School girl-esque fashion went out in 1999 and I will kick it with my bitch boot if necessary to block its return.

A little different

Given recent events, I decided to write a different kind of story, but I swear the funny, critical sarcastic blogs you have come to depend on will return.

Navy Jacket with Gold Buttons

 

I had never seen my dad cry so hard in my life.  We just finished viewing a video presentation commemorating the life of his three-weeks deceased youngest brother, Paul.  The photos commenced with a single shot of my uncle, so innocent and open-minded, seated in familiar place; the piano bench.  As the picture panned from micro to macro, my father's face dove between his legs, halted from contact with the floor by his hands. Only tears reached the carpet before my mother was able to stop them with a tissue.  From the cuff of his jacket, four gold buttons glistened.  

Instead of wearing funeral appropriate black, my father chose to wear a navy blazer and charcoal pants.  Though both colors are dark, neither quite communicates the mourning message similar to black.  I don't know whether the choice was deliberate, convenient or non-existent, but those colors reflected a denial of the event of which we all gathered. Postponing the reality of death with a choice of fabric.

My uncle never married nor fathered children, and as such my two sisters, cousin and I had the quintessential uncle experience. An uncle without children of his own is sheltered from the painful growth and frustration of parenting, and therefore remains pure to be a joyous, rough-housing, pool shark playing, lacking any sort of discipline or direction uncle.  Uncle Paul never let father-like tendencies taint his interactions with his nieces; the only rule was laughter.  

Tears on the sleeve of the jacket were barely dry when my father donned the same garment for a visit to my uncle's home the next day.  A jacket that once wrapped his body while utter anguish poured from the inside now sheltered a moment of complacency inside my uncle's home. We shuffled through his belongings, sharing stories and making discoveries.  Scanning the home I noticed the walls lacked decoration, especially pictures of family.  Inside the second bedroom/storage room, one bulletin board revealed more about my uncle than an entire house full of possessions.  Pinned carefully to this board were four photographs; one for each of his nieces.  Behind the facade of uncle behavior laid fatherly love.  We were his girls; his four shining stars.

After a brief conversation with a neighbor outside the home, my father headed for the car packed with luggage and us. As he waived goodbye to the neighbor, just before we boarded a plane directed home, I caught a glimpse of four gold buttons on the cuff of his navy jacket.

 

Bra Boo-Boo

The day was already weird enough; I witnessed a wife yelling at a husband and vice versa, a man that would not give up his seat to a woman with a walker on the streetcar(!) and after I received my grande latte a travesty of feminine fashion: the exposed bra strap.


Law: Underwear should be stored under your wear-ables.

Coffee should be half caff-decaf, not half caff-bra strap.

The exposed bra strap can turn a perfectly acceptable ensemble into its trashy cousin from Gresham. Considering all of the innovations in brassiere technology, an exposed undergarment should be rare; but straps, cups, hooks and slips scream at me everyday from ill-equipped women. Apparently many women are resistant to updating their underwear systems. Women update their outer wardrobe with the new ankle boot or the trendy cardigan, but somehow undergarments get brushed aside since "no one will see them." Ladies, I am seeing them all over town so your defense does not hold up in fashion court. If the problem is not function but a choice of fashion, then the mindset needs rebooting.

I know Carrie Bradshaw did the whole exposed bra strap look in "Sex and the City", but do we really want to emulate a 98 lb. drama queen that should have married Aidan back in Season 4? No. Not even the stylings of Patricia Field will change my mind about this subject.

With the summer winding down, this problem will slowly fade like clouds cover the sun. Shoulders and backs will succumb to the cold, but lurking just around the corner is another warm season, and another exposed bra strap.

Portland: Adjust your straps and your perspective.

Don't display your ass-ets

Every so often a designer makes it big--all the celebrities are wearing the clothes and the designer is receiving press. Then the lower-level, more attainable products come out; fragrances, t-shirts, jeans, bags. As a final ploy, a musician uses a designer name in song and then this happens:




Law: Logos are a no-no

I blame it on the parents and that "Apple Bottom Jeans" song.

The logos causing the biggest problems are designer logos; those from high-end fashion labels that unnecessarily and unapologetically find their way onto everything (If I see one more "Juicy" labeled bottom...) Some people believe logos indicate a level of sophistication, wealth, or popularity; to the contrary, I don't care how much you spent on that LouisVuitton purse, if it is swinging next to some $5 Hanes sweatpants, you might as well be carrying a garbage bag. Those who choose clothing and accessories for their design, construction and fit have less incentive to broadcast their labels because their clothes speak for themselves.

But some laws have a valid defense to the offense.

Defense: Function is fashionable

A logo that serves a function is a fashion-do. I will not criticize anyone for carrying the Chanel 2.55 with the double C clasp. That's a classic.



Portland: Keep it classy and leave the logos for later.

Not on Sunday

This weekend, my husband and I ventured down to Lake Oswego to visit family. While enjoying a latte at St. Honore with a view of the lake, beautiful trees beginning the transformation from summer to fall and a bustling art market, my eyes were jolted by the following sight; Barney-purple suede ankle boots and a bottom skimming (leather? pleather? vinyl?) micro miniskirt. Regardless of the fact that this particular woman should not be subjecting the public to that much thigh, a Sunday art market is nae the place for this look.

Law: Overexposure should be kept under-wraps

Is this a bad walk of shame or a tragically misinformed market-goer? Seeing as the area lacks nightclubs and Millennium Park is not a necessary travel path I will go with the latter. This woman woke up, selected these items from her closet and stood in front of a mirror and said "This outfit is entirely appropriate for an 11am stroll through a family friendly Sunday art market." Platform double suede should be reserved for lyrics in a Marcy's Playground song, not for showcasing on one's feet. I know that most of us view images of thigh baring celebrities everyday in magazines and on television, but most of us do not have the youth and diligence to achieve those flawless legs. I, for one, am not going to give up my croquettes to shorten my hemline another 4 inches. Portland (and surrounding suburbs), keep the exposure for home use or as part of your occupation (which I didn't explore if this look was an occupational necessity, but I don't even want to go there!).

Portland--start dressing appropriately (and underexposed)!
(photos should be coming next week, I just need to remember to carry my camera)

Hello Portland!

I have a lot of opinions about the way you dress in hopes of entertaining, educating and inspiring each and every one of you to strive for excellence in your personal style.  I intend this to be a weekly blog based on my observations of Portlanders in their natural habitats.  Since this is a fashion court, there are laws that determine when a person will be punished for their apparel misfortunes.  The first one is outlined and based completely on my personal opinion.

Law: Have a personal style

Though I don't have a specific violator in mind, I find this to be Portland's biggest downfall. 

Between bicycle riding, beer drinking and beard growing, the average citizen of our city does not give a second thought to the fabric that wraps their body.  And there is nothing wrong with that if you are in the process of bicycle riding, beer drinking or beard growing.  But so much life fills the gaps between those activities that one should be properly dressed for the occasion. Just think about what clothes will drape your body today and how you will be perceived as a result.  I don't care if your look is eastside hipster, northwest prep or downtown business, but pick a style and wear it your way.  As Marc Jacobs says "the biggest style mistake is not having one." (quoted from memory)

Portland--start dressing!