Sue this suit!

Having worked in and around Portland for almost 5 years, in and around a profession where suits are often mandatory, the following fashion mishap is unnervingly common in 2009, the year of the ox.  I don't know if these suits were housed in closets since the early nineties or are scarily purchased new, but the designer producing these garments needs a stern talking to.

Law: Tapered pantsuits suit no one

The essence of the tapered pantsuit is captured in the ratio of extra fabric in the thigh to the lack thereof around the ankle.  Though they give a wearer mobility and comfort, their proportions make the smallest hips appear child-bearing ready. 

These abominations of female fashion charge at me every day of the week.  I duck left; I dodge right and I still can't avoid them.  The hallways at my internship are narrow (just like the bottom of the pants) and I can hardly escape before they swoosh past me, thigh area flapping in the wind while the hem stays precariously still, attaching like velcro to the grains of a suede ankle boot.  They are usually accompanied by an overly long blazer that women believe hides their hips, but they are sadly mistaken.  

Maybe the woman's laugh that I mistake for a cry three cubicles down really is crying--weeping at the forgone fashion opportunities a bootcut, wideleg, or even straight leg pant could bring.  

Defense lawyers seem to be the biggest perpetrators.  Perhaps if they spent less time defending their looks and more time defending their clients I wouldn't be so successful at keeping defendants in jail till their court date.

Women of Portland's workplaces; I love that the suit from 1995 still fits, but honor that body by stepping into pants that don't conjure up visions of "Hammer Time."