90s Church Lady Dress

You know the dress I am talking about--sometimes it is two pieces, sometimes one, always made of cotton/rayon and never without a strange animal/flower/doily detail. I believe it to be the traditional dress of school teachers or mothers with four or more children. Rarely spotted since Koala Blue closed its doors, this garment makes occasional appearances on laundry day and when Oprah interviews women in extremist religious cult camps. But today, I saw it, just around the bend from the copy machine.

Unfortunately, taking pictures at my internship would be completely inappropriate, so it must suffice to find a similar photo online.

I know these dresses were popular in the late eighties/early nineties ala. Elaine from Seinfeld and the Designing Women; heck, I even think there is a Christmas photo of my sisters and I wearing similar dresses from 1990. In our defense we were all under the age of 12 and styled by a mother with gigantic purple plastic framed glasses( I love you mom!). What defense does a 40-50 year old woman in 2009 have? Like the tapered pant suit, I ask "Why?" There are so many reasons this clothing is wrong and not a single reason why it is right.

Please, if you spot this dress, burn on contact!

Football Foul

I spotted this fashion disaster while attending my first football game, specifically the tailgate portion of the event. I should have guessed from the evil stares I received while sporting my vintage Michigan sweatshirt and slouchy knit beret that I wasn't in the Pearl District anymore. My attempt at "Suraya Does Football" failed miserably in the eyes of these Oregon fans. They just don't know fabulousness when its staring them in the face.

Regardless, the severity of my punishment should not include being subjected to this:

Law: Bandannas should be banned.

What is the purpose of a bandanna? The only use I find for them is tying it around my dog's neck to make him more festive or colorful. Or maybe marking your path in a forest by wrapping it around a tree branch so the prince can save you from being kidnapped by the angry troll.

Upon googling "bandanna", one of the first images that appeared was Eminem with the classic white with black version tied around his head. I damn him for perpetuating the myth that tying a bandanna around the head is an acceptable fashion choice.

This man was obviously wearing the bandanna in support of his team. There are many ways to pledge one's allegiance to a team; a scarf, sweatshirt, rain boots (which I thought were so cute with the U of O "O" pattern!) and knit caps all convey the message of school spirit while providing protection against the elements. I understand the bandanna's useful function for gardening, sweating, rounding up cattle and the like. The event lent itself to knit caps, but this rag served no purpose other than to promote. It wasn't keeping his head warm and the sun was not streaming at dangerous sunburning levels.

With the above said, my disdain for this man's fashion could be attributed to his belligerent outbursts and subsequent weeping behind a nearby tree that made fellow tailgaters immensely uncomfortable. When I dislike someone, my loathe of them often manifests itself as a critique of their fashion. The inverse is true as well; if you are a friend of mine, your fashion is just fine.

So fear not Portland, if you give me no reason to loathe you, wearing a potato sack would not deter me from grabbing a beer with you.